It's Naughty Time

The kids are in bed and it's just me and my husband in the quiet house. It's been a long day of work and kids and now it time to just let loose and indulge in the pleasure that has been allusive all day long. I want something hot and satisfying. I get ready and shimmy off my pants and toss my bra across the room. Give me the good stuff, daddy!

Seriously, bring me a hot burrito and a diet coke. Oh yeah. Right there...next to my iPhone. Do we have tortilla chips? 

Have you ever enjoyed a meal with toddlers?  No. Of course you haven't. They do not allow that. It's against toddler law. If you're with them all day you get the pleasure of not enjoying all of your "meals," with them when dinner would be enough torture. But dinner is special. Dinner is when my husband is home too and I actually set a table, serve things that are hot (usually) and not in the shape of dinosaurs (usually). It's a time when I think we are going to all sit down to eat and talk about the day despite my three-plus years of experience telling me otherwise. I know it will go miserably. There is yelling, crying, running, negotiation, and protests. It's a regular suburban war zone run by 26-pound war lords. If you, the parent, are hungry you better scarf down enough of that cold plate of tacos to get through the next two hours until bed time and be happy with that.

It's clean up, story and bath time. Then you watch the clock and rationalize that your half a taco has worn off and 7:39 is close enough to 8:00.You turn off Jeopardy (educational family television) and announce, "alright! Bedtime! March upstairs!" You get everyone tucked in, read to, prayed with and hydrated with another "glass of wa-wer." Close the door and you're HOME FREEEE! 

You skip happily downstairs and walk into your kitchen which magically transformed into Willy Wonka's room of candy while you were upstairs. Oh the possibilities! There's the dinner's left overs aka Second dinner! Peanut butter and jelly or sugary cereal you won't have to share with anyone! Cheese and crackers! Ice cream? Is there ice cream in the freezer? No. Damn it! Maybe You'll eat a healthy snack like yogurt and a banana. "You don't know, I could do that one day! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" Maybe you'll just vacilate between standing in front of the pantry and refrigerator shoving alternate handfuls of dry cereal and shredded cheese in your face. But whatever you choose, you are in charge of this moment and not any three foot tall wannabe spoiled rock star demanding fruit snacks minus the green ones or demanding a drink of your water and then leaving floaters in it. You're a grown up. Own it. Live.it.up. 

By the time you have polished off that bag of tortilla chips, (it was almost empty anyway, don't beat yourself up), and checked in with all your friends on Facebook who are also shoveling sweet freedom into their pie holes after bedtime, it's almost 9:30. What are you doing up this late anyway? Be responsible! So you clean up the kitchen and the evidence of your nightly bender and go to bed. Make sure to brush your teeth. The dictators will be up in 8 hours and will be able to smell the tortilla chips on your breath. 

The Definition of Insanity

I have a three bedroom house, two toddlers and one husband who snores like a freight train. My youngest child has taken the better part of her two years to sleep in what I would consider a somewhat acceptable manner. Between the snoring husband and the gremlin child I haven't slept in over two years.

To keep the gremlin from waking her three year old sister, we have kept them in separate rooms, which only left me with our slowly dying sectional couch or the floor to escape to when the buzz-saw-of-a-husband's snoring chased me out of our warm, comfortable bed. In my desperation, I have made two failed attempts at putting my darling angels in the same bedroom. Both times saw the same result: complete and utter chaos. Disassemble the crib, move it to the other room, reassemble, put the children to bed, turn out the lights, screaming, crying, and no one falling asleep until past 11:00; wake up at 3:00, 4:00, 4:30, and 7:00. The next day we again disassemble the crib, move it back and reassemble. And I go back to fitfully sleeping in any number of locations throughout the house but in relatively reliable peace while everyone else sleeps in their respective nests of warmth and slumber. 

Obviously, after these two unsuccessful trials, the only logical move is to try it again. So in the past week, in my infinite wisdom and sanity, we repeated the whole process. But you say, "the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results!" Well, you, my friend clearly do not have children in your life, otherwise you would know that there is a caveat to this rule for dealing with these miniature haters of logic. In the world of child rearing, repeating an action and expecting a different result is called "consistency." 

Yes, consistency. Consistency is apparently the key component for making sure your sweet darling doesn't turn into a full-fledged serial killer later in life. 

Is your child still crapping their pants daily despite sitting on the toilet every two hours for 30 minutes at a time? Just keep doing it. Eventually they will do what you want them to. Don't fall victim to the "she won't go to college in diapers" mentality. Yes she will. 

Does your little precious seemingly refuse to sleep in their own bed at night despite your nightly bedtime routine and the promise of reward stickers on a chart each morning? Just keep banging your head up against that wall, mama! Eventually he'll see that his toddler bed filled with Legos and toy trains is way more awesome and comfortable than your king size bed with 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. 

Keep pinning and cooking those "kid friendly" broccoli recipes because one day soon they will see the wisdom of eating green vegetables and question why they ever asked for fruit snacks for every.meal.of.the.day. Just keep at it. Don't you dare give in!

Of course this thing we call consistency is actually insanity after all because children and the people who have them are crazy! So by some mystery of modern psychology it works...or it doesn't really...I don't know. But I can't get into it any further right now; I have to go get my kids their fruit snacks again.